The ASSEMBLY of GRAMMARIANS.

NOTE: In the Mediæval schools the division of studies was into the trivium and the quadrivium; the former comprising Grammar, Logic, Rhetoric; the latter, Music, Arithmetic, Geometry and Astronomy. All these studies were however referred to theology, and that in the narrowest manner; music, for example, being reduced to church chanting, and astronomy to the calculation of Easter. The above is of course the origin of the Title “Master of Arts,” or the “Master’s Degree” that we are familiar with today. Page numbers in the original text are here in brackets for useful notation.

CHARACTERS IN THE COLLOQUY: ALBINUS, BERTULPHUS, CANTHELUS, DIPHILUS, EUMENIUS, FABULLUS, GADITANUS.

ALBINUS. Is there any Body here that understands Arithmetick?

BERTULPHUS. For what?

Al. To cast up exactly how many Grammarians there are of us.

Ber. That may be done without a Counting-Table, we may count upon our Fingers; I count you upon my Thumb, myself upon my fore Finger, Canthelus upon my middle Finger, Diphilus, upon my Ring-Finger, and Eumenius upon my little Finger: and now I go to my left Hand; there I count Fabullus upon my Thumb, and Gaditanus on my fore Finger; so that, unless I am out in my Account, we are seven of us. But to what Purpose is it for us to know that?

Al. Because, as I have heard, the Number Seven makes up a compleat Council.

[147] Ber. What makes you talk of a Council?

Al. There is a Matter of Moment that has puzzled me a long Time, and not me alone, but a great many other Men of no mean Learning; I will propose it, that the Question may be decided by the Authority of this Assembly.

Can. Sure it must be some knotty Subject, that you can’t decide it yourself, Albinus; or that it should puzzle you, that are of so penetrating a Judgment. Therefore we desire to know what this difficult Matter is. I speak in the Name of all the rest.

Al. Well then, do you all be very attentive, applying both your Ears, and your Minds; Two Heads are better than one. Is there any one of you all that can explain what is the Meaning of this Word Anticomarita?

Ber. That’s the easiest Thing in the World, for it signfies a Kind of a Beet, which the Antients call’d a Water-Beet, having a knotty wreathed Stalk, very insipid, but of a very stinking Smell, if you touch it; so that it may vie with the Bean-Cod Tree.

Can. A Natatile Beet, do you say? Nay, rather a Cacatile Beast. Who ever heard of, or ever read the Name of a swimming Beet?

Ber. Yes, Mammotrectus (as he is corruptly call’d) which should be pronounc’d Mammothreptos, as tho’ you should say his Grandmother’s Darling, has made this as plain as the Nose in a Man’s Face.

Al. What Sort of a Title is that?

Ber. This is to give you to understand, that there is nothing in the Book but darling Things, because Mamma’s, i.e. Grandmothers, are wont to be more fond of their Grand-Children, than their Mothers themselves are of their own Children.

Al. You talk of a darling Work indeed. I happen’d lately to dip into this Book, I e’en burst my Sides with laughing.

Can. Where did you get that Book? it is very scarce.

Ber. Being at Dinner at Bruges, Livinus, the Abbot of [148] Bavo, carried me into his private Library, which the old Gentleman had furnish’d with scarce Books at a vast Expence, being desirous to leave some Monument of himself to Posterity. There was not a Book, but what was a Manuscript, and upon Vellum too, and illuminated with various Pictures, and bound in Velvet, and emboss’d with Gold. And besides, there being a vast Number of them, they made a very stately Shew.

Al. What Books were they?

Ber. They were all excellent Books; there was the Catholicon, Brachylogus, and Ovid expounded allegorically, and Abundance of others; and among them I found this facetious Book Mammothreptos: And among the rest of the Curiosities I found also this Natatile Beet.

Al. Why do they call it natatile?

Ber. I’ll relate to you what I read; as for the Truth of it, let the Author be answerable for that. Forasmuch, says he, as it grows in wet, stinking Places, and thrives nowhere so well as in Mud, or a Dunghill, saving your Reverence, Sir—

Al. Therefore it stinks, does it?

Ber. Ay, worse than a Turd.

Al. Is this Herb good for any Thing?

Ber. Yes, it is accounted a great Delicacy.

Al. Perhaps by Swine, or Asses, or Cyprian Cows.

Ber. Nay, by Men themselves, and very fine-mouth’d ones too. There is a People call’d the Peligni, who make their Dinners of an extraordinary Length; and the parting Glass they call a Resumpta in their Language, as we call it a Dessert or Kickshaws.

Al. Fine Desserts indeed!

Ber. The Law of the Entertainment is, that the Entertainer shall have the Liberty of having what he will brought to the Table; and it is not allowed that the Guests should refuse any Thing, but must take all well.

Al. What if he should have Henbane, or twice-boiled Coleworts set before them?

[149] Ber. Let it be what it will, they must eat it, and not speak a Word against it. But when they come Home, they are at Liberty to vomit it up again, if they please. And in their Entertainments, one Dish is commonly this Water-Beet or Anticomarita, for it matters not which Name you call it by, the Thing is the same. They mix a great Deal of Oak-Bark, and a good Quantity of Garlick with it. And this is the Composition of the Tansey.

Al. Who made this barbarous Law?

Ber. Custom, the most mighty of Tyrants.

Al. You tell me a Story of a tragical Conclusion, which has such a nauseous Ending.

Ber. I have given my Solution of the Question, not imposing it upon any Body, nor to prevent any Body, who has a Mind to offer theirs.

Can. I have found out that the Antients had a Fish that they call’d Anticomarita.

Ber. What Author is that in?

Can. I can produce the Book, but I can’t tell the Author’s Name; it is written in French Words, but in the Hebrew Character.

Ber. What’s the Shape of this Fish call’d Anticomarita?

Can. The Belly is white, but all over every where else it has black Scales.

Ber. I fancy you have a Mind, of this Fish to make a Cynic with a Cloak; what Taste has it?

Can. It has the nastiest Taste in the World; and besides that, it is infectious too. It breeds in old Lakes, and sometimes in Houses of Office. It is a good-for-nothing muddy Fish; if you put but a Bit of it into your Mouth, it causes a certain tough Phlegm, that you can hardly bring up by taking a Vomit. It is very common in the Country call’d Celtithrace; they esteem it as a Delicacy, and at the same Time account it a more detestable Crime than Murder, to taste a Bit of Flesh.

Al. A very wretched Country with their Anticomarita!

Can. This is what I have to say; but I would not have any Body to be determined by my Opinion.

[150] Di. What Occasion have we to fetch the Explanation of this Word from Mammothreptos’s or Hebrew Writings, when the very Etymology of the Word shews plainly, that Anticomarita signifies Damsels unhappily married, that is to say, to old Husbands? And it is no new Thing for Writers to write co instead of quo; c, q, and k are cognate Letters.

Eu. What Diphilus has mention’d carries something of Weight with it, if we were sure the Word was a Latin one. I take it to be a Greek Word, and a Compound of these three, ἀντί, which signifies against; κώμη, which signifies a Town; and ὀαρίζειν, which signifies to tattle like a Woman: and so by striking out ο by the Figure Synalœpha it is Anticomarita, one who by clownish prating makes every Body deaf.

Fa. My Eumenius has made it out very elaborately; but in my Opinion the Word is composed of as many Words as it has Syllables; for ἀν stands for ἄνους, τι for τίλλων, κω for κώδια, μα for μάλα, and ῥυ for ῥυπαρὰ, (for it is an Error to write it with an ι) and τα for τάλας; and out of these is formed this Sentence, A mad wretched Person pulling the Hairs out of a rotten Hide.

Al. Indeed such Food as a Water-Beet as Bertulphus was speaking of just now was very fit for such a Workman.

Ber. That is as much as to say an Anticomarita for an Anticomarita.

Ga. You have all spoken very learnedly to the Matter; but I am of Opinion that a disobedient Wife is call’d Anticomarita by the Figure Syncope, for Antidicomarita, because she always crosses her Husband.

Al. If we allow of such Tropes, we might of a Turd make a Bird, and of a Cook a Cuckoe.

Ber. But Albinus, who is the Chief of this Assembly, has not given his Opinion yet.

Al. I have, indeed, nothing of my own to offer; but, however, I shall not think much to acquaint you with what I lately learn’d from my Landlord, who was a very talkative Man; he used to change his Discourse oftner than a Nightingale [151] does her Note. He asserted it was a Chaldee Word, compounded of three Words: that among the Chaldeans, anti signified cross-grain’d, or Brain-sick; and comar, a Rock; and ita, belonging to a Shoe-Maker.

Ber. Who ever said that a Rock had Brains?

Al. There is no Absurdity in that, if you do but change the Gender.

Can. This Synod makes the old Proverb good, So many Men, so many Minds. But what Conclusion are we come to? The Opinions may be summ’d up, but can’t be divided; so that the major Part may carry it against the minor.

Al. Well then, let the better overcome the worse.

Can. But we must have another Assembly to do that; for every Man’s own Geese are Swans.

Al. If that Proverb held good, we should not have so many Adulteries as we have. But I can advise you to an expeditious Method: Let us cast Lots whose Opinion of all of them shall be allow’d to be determinative.

Can. That Lot will fall upon yourself. Have not I spoken the Truth?

Al. I approve best of the first, and of the last.

Can. If I may speak for the rest, we all agree.

Al. Well then, let it go for authentick.

Can. Let it be so.

Al. If any Body shall dissent, what shall be the Penalty?

Can. Let him be set down in great Letters, A HERETICK IN GRAMMAR.

Al. I will add very fortunately one Thing, that in my Opinion ought not to be omitted: Having receiv’d it from a Syrian Physician, I will communicate it to my Friends.

Ber. What is it?

Al. If you pound a Water-Beet, an Oak-Gall, and some Shoemakers Ink in a Mortar, and sprinkle with it six Ounces of Dung, and make it into a Poultice, it will be a present Remedy for the Mange and Measles in Hogs.

Ber. But hark ye, Albinus, you that have help’d us all to this Job of the Anticomarita, what Author did you read it in?

[152] Al. I’ll tell you, but in your Ear, and but one of you.

Ber. Well, I’ll receive it, but upon this Condition, that I may whisper it in the Ear of one Person too.

Al. But one repeated often enough will make a Thousand.

Ber. You say right, when you have once a Couple, it is not in your Power to stop it from going further.

Al. That which a few know may be kept a Secret; but that which a great many know cannot; three makes a Multitude.

Ber. Right, he that has three Wives at the same Time, may be said to have many; but he that has but three Hairs upon his Head, or three Teeth in his Mouth, may be said to have a few or none.

Al. Mind, Sophister.

Ber. What strange Story is this! This is as absurd as if the Greeks, who carry’d so many Fleets to conquer Troy, should not be able to call it by its Name, but instead of Troy should say Sutrium.

Al. But this is a Rabbin that is lately come down from Heaven, who, unless he had, like a present Deity, lent his Assistance in sustaining human Affairs, we had long ere now been at a Loss to find either Men, Religion, Philosophy, or Letters.

Ber. In Troth he ought to be one of Moria’s Noblemen of the first Rank, and deserves for the future to be call’d Archimorita (an Arch-Fool) with his Anticomarites.